有關(guān)簡單英語小笑話錦集
門：其實你只要輕輕推開我，就能擁有我
Ghange of Plan
臨時改變主意
Frank and Fred had received their draft notices on the same day, and neither wanted to enter the army.
法蘭克和佛烈德兩人同一天收到召集令，兩人都不想去服兵役。
But Frank had heard that the army would nct accept anyone without teeth, so they both had all their teeth pulled.
但法蘭克曾經(jīng)聽人說軍中不收沒有牙齒的人，因此他們兩人都把所有的牙齒給拔掉了。
On the day of their medical exam, Frank and Fred got in line, but a huge, hairy, smelly truck driver cut in between them.
在體格檢查那天，他們兩人排在同一排隊伍，可是有一個大塊頭、滿身毛發(fā)而且臭味難當?shù)目ㄜ囁緳C插在他們中間。
As Frank got up to the head of the line, he announced to the inspecting sergeant that he had no teeth.
當法蘭克排到隊伍的前頭時，他對檢查的班長說他沒有牙齒，
The sergeant had Frank open his mouth, ran his forefinger over the raw gums and said,
那名士官要他張開嘴巴，接著用食指在他紅腫的牙齦繞了一圈后說道：
"Sure endugh, you don’t. You’re rejected. "
“沒錯，你沒牙齒，不用當兵!”
Turning to the truck driver, he asked, 'What's your problem?"
接著輪到卡車司機，士官說：“你有什么問題嗎?”
The trucker said, "I've got a tremendous case of the piles. "
卡車司機說道：“我患有嚴重的痔瘡。”
The sergeant had the fellow bend over, inserted his fore finger and rotated it around thoroughly,
班長要那個家伙彎下身去，用他的食指在肛門轉(zhuǎn)了一整圈后說道：
"Sure enough, you've got a bad case. Rejected!"
“沒錯，你的情形很嚴重，不合格!”
Turning to Fred, the sergeant demanded, "And what's your problem?"
再來輪到佛烈德，班長又問：“那你的問題是什么?”
Staring at the forefinger, Fred replied, "Nothing at all, sergeant, nothing at all. "
凝視著他的食指，佛烈德答道：“沒什么問題，班長，我一點問題也沒有。”
有關(guān)簡單英語小笑話篇2
And Stuff the Cuffs in Your Boots
把褲腳塞到你的靴子里面去
The untried general faced battle the next day, and was more than a little frightened.
一位未曾有過作戰(zhàn)經(jīng)驗的將軍非常惶恐，因為第二天將有個戰(zhàn)役要面對。
Seeking inspiration, he looked into the history of great commanders and learned that Wellington had always dressed in red for battle,
為了尋找靈感，他翻查了歷年來偉大將領(lǐng)的檔案，發(fā)現(xiàn)威靈頓將軍每次戰(zhàn)斗中都身穿紅色衣服，
so that his men would not realize if he were shot.
萬一他被射傷的話，他的士兵也不會發(fā)現(xiàn)。
Instantly he called in his adjutant and ordered a pair of trousers in a rich, dark brown.
于是他傳了副官進來并指示手下做了一條深褐色的褲子。
有關(guān)簡單英語小笑話篇3
Keep Your Head
頭腦要保持冷靜!
A young man was working in the produce section of a grocery store when a customer asked him for half a head of cabbage.
有一個年輕人在一家雜貨店的農(nóng)產(chǎn)部門工作，一天一位顧客要向他買半顆包心菜
"Sir, we don't sell half heads of anything. "
“先生，我們東西都沒有賣半顆的。”
"Well, I insist; 1 0nly want half a head. "
“哎呀，我就買半顆，我只要半顆。”
"I'll ask the manager. "
“我要問問經(jīng)理才行。”
The young man walked to the manager's office and, not realizing that the customer had followed him, said to the manager,
那名年輕人走到經(jīng)理的辦公室，不知道那位顧客尾隨著他，他對經(jīng)理說道：
"Sir, some asshole wants to buy just half a head of cabbage. "
“經(jīng)理，有個渾蛋只要買半顆包心菜。”
Turning and noticing the customer, he quickly added,
他轉(zhuǎn)身發(fā)現(xiàn)那名顧客，立刻又補充說：
"And this gentleman wants the other half. "
“而這位先生要買另一半。”
Later, the manager took the young man aside and said,
稍后，經(jīng)理把他拉到一旁說道：
"That was quick thinking, young fellow. We can use bright lads like you. If I hear of a higher position opening up, I'll keep you in mind. "
“年輕人，你反應真快。我們需要像你這么聰明的人，如果有較高的職位空缺，我會記得你的。”
Sure enough, a few weeks later the manager told the young man that an assistant manager's spot had become vacant in the company's store in Edmonton.
幾個星期之后，經(jīng)理告訴那名年輕人在艾得蒙敦分店有個襄理的職位空缺。
"Edmonton!" blurted out the young man. "Why, there's nothing in Edmonton but hookers and hockey',event)">hockey playersi"
“艾得蒙敦!”年輕人叫了出來，“那兒有的只是妓女和曲棍球選手而已。”
"Young man , my wife happens to come from Edmonton! "
“年輕人，我太太剛好來自艾得蒙敦!”
"No kidding, sir; what posltion does she play?"
“真的嗎?經(jīng)理，那她是打哪一個位置呢?”
互聯(lián)網(wǎng)不僅是我們生活中不可缺少的，而且也是我們工作學習之余緩解壓力、舒緩情緒的重要渠道。正是由于我們有這樣的需要，網(wǎng)絡(luò)笑話得以繁榮興盛。陽光網(wǎng)小編分享關(guān)于幽默的英語笑話，希望可以幫助大家!
關(guān)于幽默的英語笑話：You are not in the book
Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.
The first preacher walked up and said" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in".
St. Peter checked his list and said" I'm sorry your name is not in the book."
"What!" exclaimed the preacher," I have been a preacher for thirty years!" "Yes" replied St. Peter,"However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy."
The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.
The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. "I'm ready to come in St. Peter" he said with a smile."I'm sorry, your name is not in the book." "HOw can that be?" asked the preacher, "I have been a pastor for 20 years!" You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny." Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away. The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, "Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in."
關(guān)于幽默的英語笑話：Crucified
Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter.
"Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something" Jesus cries.
So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the crowd towards the hill only to be stopped by a group of Roman soldiers, beat up and thrown back down.
"Peter! Please, I need to tell you something!" Jesus cries.
Again, full of faith and love for Christ, he runs up the hill and almost gets past the soldiers. But, he's caught, beat up again and tossed back into the crowd.
Finally, Jesus screams "Peter, I must tell you something. Please, come to me!"
Peter, sorrowed by his Lord's suffering, runs up the hill bloody and bruised and finally makes it past the soldiers. He kneels in front of Jesus: "Here I am my lord, your faithful servant. What is it that you need to tell me?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yo, I can see my house from up here."
關(guān)于幽默的英語笑話：Holy Bread
A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.
He meets with the Pope: "Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantial
donation to the Holy Mother Church - but there's only one condition...."
"Yes, my son?"
"We'd like you to authorize changing the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily
bread to give us this day, our daily chicken."
"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know."
"Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this."
"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know."
So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.
"Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change "Give us this
day our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken."
The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, "Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow."
Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Priests
the whole Vatican family is there.
He says to them, "Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news...."
"The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!"
(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)
"Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!"
下面是陽光網(wǎng)小編整理的英語爆笑笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!
英語爆笑笑話：Dream 夢想
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.
農(nóng)校的招生辦主任在面試一個上線的學生，“你為何要選擇這個職業(yè)?”他問。 “我夢想以經(jīng)營農(nóng)場來賺一百萬元，就像我父親一樣。”這個學生回答說。 “你父親經(jīng)營農(nóng)場賺了一百萬元?”主任驚詫地問道。
“沒有，”這位申請人回答道，“他總是夢想著賺到這個數(shù)目。”
英語爆笑笑話：Wedding or Not
Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.
Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!
弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但“從不過熱----見好就收”。一天他突發(fā)奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。
他回來即嘆道：“噓!謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了!”
英語爆笑笑話：A Boy with a Big Head大頭娃娃
A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."
"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."
"Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat."
一個小男孩向他母親哭訴道：“他們都取笑我，說我腦袋大。” “別聽他們的，”他母親安慰道，“你有一個很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來。”
“購物袋在哪兒?”
“沒購物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”
英語爆笑笑話：All Right 沒關(guān)系
Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.
我趕著開車將11歲的女兒送到學校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯注:在一些國家如英國,其交通規(guī)則是車輛左行的,與我國相反)。啊噢，意識到犯了錯誤，我說。我剛才拐彎是違章的'。我想那沒關(guān)系的，女兒回答說：我們后面的警車也同樣拐了彎。
英語爆笑笑話：第一次開出租車
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
乘客輕拍了一下出租車司機的肩膀，想問個問題。司機大叫起來，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時終于停了下來。
司機說：“伙計，別再這么干了。你把我嚇破膽了!”乘客抱歉地說，“我沒想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣。” 司機說：“對不起，也不全是你的錯。今天是我第一天開出租，以前25年里我一直開殯葬車。”
英語爆笑笑話：摩西和耶穌
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".
一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：“耶穌正在看著你。”他照著手電看來看去，嘀咕著：“到底是什么人在說話?”這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：“耶穌正在看著你。”他躲到一個角落，想找出是誰在說話。結(jié)果看到一只鸚鵡，于是他問鸚鵡：“是你在說話嗎?”鸚鵡承認了。 小賊說：“你叫什么名字?”“摩西”。小賊說：“什么人給鳥取這種名字?”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的那個人啊。”
英語爆笑笑話：Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"
"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我?” “怎么沒告訴你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面后，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”
英語爆笑笑話：上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
兩個小男孩在他們的祖父母家過夜。睡覺時間到了，這兩個小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個新游戲機……我祈求有一個新錄像機……”
他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說：“你為什么這么大聲地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聾子。”
弟弟聽了回答道：“上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!”
英語爆笑笑話：The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.
Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.
Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.
The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.
在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們返回汽車時剛好路過一家牛排店。 “我們嘗嘗吧，”我妻子建議說。盡管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對女招待說：“請給我來一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉(zhuǎn)向我，看了看我的鋸，說道：“我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”
英語爆笑笑話：你爸爸幫你了嗎?
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.
The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.
He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."
一天，蒂姆的數(shù)學老師看了他的作業(yè)，發(fā)現(xiàn)他全做對了。
老師很高興，同時也十分驚訝。
他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業(yè)全都做對了，怎么回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎?"
"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。"
英語爆笑笑話：怎么把口香糖取出來呢
How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?
怎么把口香糖取出來呢當空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢?”
英語爆笑笑話：A Blind Beggar
There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.
在路邊一個盲人乞丐戴著墨鏡在街上行乞。一個醉漢走過來，覺得他可憐，就扔了一百元給他。走了一段路，醉漢一回頭，恰好看見那個盲人正對著太陽分辨那張百元大抄的真假。醉漢過來一把奪回錢道：“你不想活了，竟敢騙老子!” 盲人乞丐一臉委屈說：“大哥，真對不起啊，我是替一個朋友在這看一下，他是個瞎子，去上廁所了，其實我是個啞巴。”“哦，是這樣子啊!”于是醉漢扔下錢， 又搖搖晃晃地走了……
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