經典英語笑話全集2017
近年來,冷笑話作為一種新興的語言現(xiàn)象在網絡、雜志上十分盛行。下面是陽光網小編精心收集的關于經典英語小笑話段子，希望大家喜歡!
關于經典英語小笑話段子篇一
My mother and a group of her friends were discussing housecleaning. Mom, who dislikes the task，stated in a matter-of-fact way,”Oh，I'm giving it up. I'm going to let the dirt build up. Then I'll call the police， report a burglary, and let them come and dust for fingerprints.”
媽媽和幾個朋友在談論打掃房于的事。媽媽不喜歡干這項工作，她講出了一個可行的辦法。“噢，我現(xiàn)在已不干了，我讓灰塵積攢下去，然后給警寨局打個電話，就說我家丟了
東西。他們?yōu)榱苏抑讣y，就會把一切都打掃干凈的。”
關于經典英語小笑話段子篇二
穿錯了
I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us at the time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.
在陪兒子上幼兒園的第一天，我怒打扮一下自己。我打算從妹妹那兒借身外衣，她年徑而且時髦。妹妹和我們住在一起。我們有約在先，不經過對方的同意不能拿別人的東西。但那時她仍在睡覺。于是，我從她的衣拒里輕徑拿走幾條短褲和一件村衣，本想趁她沒醒來時再放回去。
To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，"And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?"
讓我吃驚的是，當我送兒子去幼兒園回來后，妹妹已經醒了。但她沒找衣服的事兒。我們聊了聊兒子吉森在幼兒園做自我介紹的情況。最后，妹妹笑著并不動聲色地問:“吉森的'老師覺得我的睡衣怎徉?”
關于經典英語小笑話段子篇三
穿錯了
I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us at the time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.
在陪兒子上幼兒園的第一天，我怒打扮一下自己。我打算從妹妹那兒借身外衣，她年徑而且時髦。妹妹和我們住在一起。我們有約在先，不經過對方的同意不能拿別人的東西。但那時她仍在睡覺。于是，我從她的衣拒里輕徑拿走幾條短褲和一件村衣，本想趁她沒醒來時再放回去。
To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，"And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?"
讓我吃驚的是，當我送兒子去幼兒園回來后，妹妹已經醒了。但她沒找衣服的事兒。我們聊了聊兒子吉森在幼兒園做自我介紹的情況。最后，妹妹笑著并不動聲色地問:“吉森的老師覺得我的睡衣怎徉?”
笑話是日常生活中人們消遣娛樂的一種常見語言現(xiàn)象,其目的在于在會話過程中傳遞和激發(fā)幽默感。陽光網小編分享超級搞笑的英語笑話，希望可以幫助大家!
超級搞笑的英語笑話： Second Mortgage
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on adiscrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourseyou answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
超級搞笑的英語笑話：The Theory of Evolution
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength androbustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones aregenetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
超級搞笑的英語笑話：Dominate Your Mate
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominatedtheir women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
超級搞笑的英語笑話：The Old Man
There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."
"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
超級搞笑的英語笑話：Breakdown
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
笑話性存在于以語音、書寫或句法形式表示的英語言語笑話中。下面是陽光網小編帶來的搞笑的英語笑話，歡迎閱讀!
搞笑的英語笑話精選
放屁的問題Problem with gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but itdoesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact,I've farted(放屁) at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I wasfarting because they don't smell and are silent."
有位小老太太去看醫(yī)生：“醫(yī)生，我有愛放屁的毛病。其實也不是大問題，只是我放屁不臭而且沒聲音。事實上，我在這里已經放了20多個屁，但是你并不知道對吧，因為我的屁不臭，而且還沒聲音。”
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven daysand come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back.
醫(yī)生說：“好的，我明白了。吃這個藥片，一天三次連續(xù)吃七天，下星期你再來。”
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although stillsilent... stink terribly."The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses(鼻竇) ,let's start working on your hearing."
一星期后老太太來了，“醫(yī)生，你到底給的我什么藥，現(xiàn)在我放屁還是沒聲音，但是怎么這么臭!”醫(yī)生說：“太好了!你的嗅覺正常了，現(xiàn)在開始治聽覺。”
搞笑的英語笑話閱讀
Perfect Match絕 配
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.一位富婆為擁有一只珍貴的古玩而深感驕傲，以至于她竟要把臥室漆成與花瓶同樣的顏色。幾名油漆匠試圖調出這個底色，但是誰也沒有能令那位怪癖的婦女滿意。
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.最后來了位油漆匠。他非常自信能調出那種顏色。那婦女對他的成果非常滿意，油漆匠于是一舉成名。
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"多年以后，他退休了，生意也交給兒子。“爸，”兒子說，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎樣使墻的顏色與花瓶配得那么絕的?”
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."“兒子，”父親回答說，“我漆了花瓶。”
關于搞笑的英語笑話
VideoJug gives you some handy hints on what to do stop that irritating person talking to youon a long-haul flight. Make them stop talking with these clever tips, and enjoy your peacefulflight.
長途飛行中，你的鄰座喋喋不休不厭其煩地跟你講話?VideoJug為你提供一些簡便的方法，讓他閉嘴!使用以下簡單的小建議讓鄰座不再說個不停，享受平靜的旅途!
Step 1: Sleep
1.睡覺
Pretend to go to sleep. To make sure they definitely get the message, put on your MP3 playerand your blow-up pillow and your eye mask and your ear plugs. Block Everything Out.
假裝睡覺。確保他們確信無疑地了解這一點，戴上MP3，充氣枕頭，眼罩和耳塞。將外界的一切隔離。
Step 2: The flight attendant
2.空姐
Use the flight attendant to your advantage. Call her over to your seat and tell her to 'get thisfreak away from me'. When returning your food tray, advise her to wash her hands aftertouching it so she doesn't contract the highly contagious virus you picked up during yourrecent visit to the Amazon.
利用空姐。把空姐叫到座位旁邊，告訴她“把這個怪人帶走”�；厥帐澄锿斜P的時候，建議她接觸托盤之后洗手，這樣她就不會感染最近游覽亞馬遜河時接觸的很容易傳染的細菌。
While you're at it, ask if you can get an upgrade on account of your health problems and thefact you may only have months to live.
向空姐咨詢，由于健康問題，自己可否換乘更高級的艙位，因為你可能只有幾個月的壽命了。
Step 3: Props
3.后盾
Even when stuck in your seat, you have several props at your disposal:
即使你被限制在座位上不能自由行走，你也有幾個備用方案選擇：
Go very quiet, start rummaging around for the sick bag and make loud retching noises into it.
非常安靜地翻箱倒柜地尋找塑料袋，假裝大聲地向袋子里嘔吐。
When you're given your food, make sure you throw it all over the place. Start answering backbut only when your mouth is full so it sprays all over them.
當你拿到自己的食物之后，大口咀嚼。如果對方喋喋不休，你可以在滿嘴都是食物的時候回應他。這樣食物殘渣可能會噴他一臉!
Pull out the life jacket from under your seat and explain that you're just getting prepared asevery plane you've ever been on has crashed.
把救生衣從座位底下拉出來，向他解釋，你要做好準備，因為你以往乘坐的每一架飛機都會出事!
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