這區(qū)別看得我莫名悲傷

　　　英語幽默笑話： TOM'S EXCUSE

　　Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?

　　Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".

　　湯姆的借口

　　老師：湯姆，您為什么每天上學(xué)遲到?

　　湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個(gè)路標(biāo)上面寫著："學(xué)校----慢行。"

　　　　英語幽默笑話： DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?

　　One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and

　　saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very

　　pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and

　　said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim.

　　What happened? Did your father help you?"

　　"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all　myself," said Tim.

　　你爸爸幫你了嗎?

　　一天，蒂姆的數(shù)學(xué)老師看了他的作業(yè)，發(fā)現(xiàn)他全做對(duì)了。老師很高興

　　，同時(shí)也十分驚訝。他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業(yè)全都

　　做對(duì)了，怎么回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎?"

　　"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。"

　　　　英語幽默笑話：

　　Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"

　　and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"

　　湯姆對(duì)著吉姆罵道:"我受不了你這個(gè)苯蛋了!"

　　吉姆說:"你媽媽能!"

　　附:bear 有兩重意思:"生"和"忍受"這個(gè)笑話正是根據(jù)這點(diǎn).

　　Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"

　　and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"

　　湯姆對(duì)著吉姆罵道:"我受不了你這個(gè)苯蛋了!"

　　吉姆說:"你媽媽能!"

　　附:bear 有兩重意思:"生"和"忍受"這個(gè)笑話正是根據(jù)這點(diǎn).

　　　　英語幽默笑話：

　　Peace and love for you at Christmas from all your students.

　　祝老師圣誕節(jié)充滿平安和愛。

　　Wishing you a sparkling Christmas and bright happy New Year!

　　May the season bring much pleasure to you.

　　愿你的圣誕光彩奪目，愿你的新年?duì)N爛輝煌!佳節(jié)快樂!

　　Wishing you all the blessings of a beautiful Christmas

　　season.

　　愿你擁有圣誕節(jié)所有美好的祝福。

　　Wishing you all the happiness of the holiday season.

　　祝節(jié)日幸福如意。

　　Hope all your Christmas dreams come true!

　　愿你所有的圣誕夢(mèng)想都成真!

　　　　英語幽默笑話：三人同舟

　　Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

　　A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

　　"Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.

　　"In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

　　"Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

　　三位男子在公園的長椅上坐著。中間的一個(gè)在讀報(bào)紙，另外兩個(gè)在假裝釣魚。他們給想象的魚鉤上魚餌，放線，并卷線把魚抓上來。

　　一位過路警察駐足觀察了這個(gè)景象，他問中間的那個(gè)男子是否認(rèn)識(shí)其他兩位。

　　“喔，認(rèn)識(shí)，”他說，“他們是我的朋友。”

　　“那樣的話，”警察告誡說，“你最好把他們從這里弄走。”

　　“好的，警官。”那男子回答說，接著就開始瘋狂般地做起劃槳的動(dòng)作來。

　　　　英語幽默笑話： As If Awakening From A Dream

　　A competition which subject is on giving up drinking is proceeding. One of lecturers says excitedly, " Alcohol can break down conjugal(婚姻的') relation, even cause your wife to leave you… "

　　A man shouts out at the news, "Give me another bottle of Brandy."

　　以戒酒為主題的演講比賽正在進(jìn)行，一個(gè)演講者動(dòng)情地說：“酒精可以破壞夫妻關(guān)系，甚至導(dǎo)致妻子離開自己的丈夫……”

　　這時(shí)一個(gè)男人大聲喊：“再來一瓶白蘭地!”

　　　　英語幽默笑話：離婚

　　A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"

　　the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."

　　有一個(gè)丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。“我不明白，”法官說，“你們?yōu)槭裁吹搅诉@把年紀(jì)還要離婚?”

　　丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了。”

　　　　英語幽默笑話： A Man Who Said No 說不的男子

　　A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.

　　Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"

　　At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"

　　我的一位朋友看到一個(gè)男子在時(shí)代廣場(chǎng)的地鐵車站搖搖晃晃地走。那個(gè)人穿著時(shí)髦，敞著懷，一個(gè)手提箱在他的手里懸吊著，很明顯他是多喝了一杯。

　　我朋友問他怎么樣，那男子含糊而肯定地回答說沒問題。然而我朋友就是不能眼看著有人在紐約地鐵獨(dú)入是非之地而置之不顧。他跟在那家伙的后面，又一次問道：“你肯定你沒事?你在找哪個(gè)地鐵站?你需要幫忙回家嗎?”

　　他所注意的對(duì)象終于忍耐不住了，對(duì)他低聲咆哮道：“你給我走開!我是便衣警察!”

　　近年來,冷笑話作為一種新興的語言現(xiàn)象在網(wǎng)絡(luò)、雜志上十分盛行。它的傳播方式并非特定,既能通過網(wǎng)絡(luò)等媒體進(jìn)行傳播,也能通過人們口耳相傳,因此在內(nèi)容上能不斷重組和更新。陽光網(wǎng)小編分享經(jīng)典的高中英語笑話，希望可以幫助大家!

　　經(jīng)典的高中英語笑話：The Lawyer's Death Certificate

　　A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

　　The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

　　The coroner says, "No."

　　The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

　　"No."

　　"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

　　The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

　　經(jīng)典的高中英語笑話：Interview at the Firm

　　There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

　　Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

　　Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

　　Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

　　"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

　　"Your hands? What do you mean?"

　　"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

　　經(jīng)典的高中英語笑話：The world's smartest dog 世界上最聰明的狗

　　here once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the final. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

　　For the final each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said, "Stethoscope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton.

　　The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.

　　The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" The dog built a suspension bridge.

　　The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

　　The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tollsfrom the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

　　在一場(chǎng)狗秀的活動(dòng)中，人們要選出一只世界上最聰明的狗。有三只狗進(jìn)入了決賽，它們的主人分別是：醫(yī)生，建筑師和律師。

　　最后的比賽是給每只狗一包骨頭，看看它們能用這些骨頭做些什么。醫(yī)生說道：“聽診器，上!”這只狗搭了一個(gè)人體骨骼。

　　裁判們想立即給這只狗頒發(fā)獎(jiǎng)品，但是他們還是決定給每只狗一次機(jī)會(huì)。

　　建筑師說道：“滑尺，上!”他的狗建造了一座懸橋。

　　裁判們左右為難，到底該選哪一只呢?

　　律師說道：“鉆(法律)空子，上!”這只狗吃掉了骨頭，對(duì)那座橋征收了百分之百的稅，并向其他兩只狗進(jìn)行勒索。

　　經(jīng)典的高中英語笑話：Three Government Contractors

　　Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from NewJersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

　　The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

　　The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

　　The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

　　The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

　　The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

　　"Done!" replies the government official.

　　And that friends, is how it all works!

　　經(jīng)典的高中英語笑話：What is 1+2?

　　Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

　　Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

　　Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.