關(guān)于爆笑英文小笑話：The Interview
老板也是走投無路了
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
關(guān)于爆笑英文小笑話：Last Request
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
關(guān)于爆笑英文小笑話：Fresh Marriage Breakfest
Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott. "Toast and juice," replied Tracy.
關(guān)于爆笑英文小笑話：Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
關(guān)于爆笑英文小笑話：Back to the Honeymoon
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on theirhoneymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
冷笑話是一種新興的語言現(xiàn)象,伴隨著網(wǎng)絡(luò)的普及它已經(jīng)滲透到了青年群體的日常生活。下面小編整理了史上最搞笑的英語笑話，希望大家喜歡!
史上最搞笑的英語笑話摘抄
把我嚇個(gè)半死(中英)
A woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and removed its top. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.
一位婦女正在沿著海灘散步，突然她看見沙灘上有個(gè)瓶子。她撿起了瓶子，拔開了瓶塞。呼的一聲，冒起一股濃煙。
"You have released me from my prison,”the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I’11 grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish，your mate, will receive double of whatever you request.”
“你把我從囚禁中解救了出來，”妖怪對她說:“為了表示對你的感謝，我將滿足你三個(gè)愿望。但是要注意，你每實(shí)現(xiàn)一個(gè)愿望，你的丈夫會(huì)得到雙倍你所要求的東西。”
"Why?" The woman asked. "He left me for another woman.”
“為什么?他為了另一個(gè)女人拋棄了我。”這位婦女問。
"That is how it is written，”replied the genie.
“只能如此。”妖怪回答道。
The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a distant place，her husband was down to see twice that amount at his feet.
這位婦女很無奈地聳了聳肩，要了一百萬美元。一道亮光閃過，在她的腳下出現(xiàn)了一百萬美元。與此同時(shí)，在遙遠(yuǎn)的地方，她的丈夫正在看著腳下雙倍數(shù)目的錢。
"And your second wish?"
“你的第二個(gè)愿望呢?”
"Genie, I want the world's most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And in that remote place, her husband was wondering what had made so many precious stones come to him from nowhere at all.
“妖怪，我想要世界上最貴重的鉆石項(xiàng)鏈。”有一道亮光閃過，這個(gè)婦女的手中便出現(xiàn)了這貴重的寶物。在那個(gè)遙遠(yuǎn)的地方，她的丈夫正在奇怪從什么地方冒出這么多寶石來。
"Genie，is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?
“妖怪，我丈夫真的擁有了兩百萬美元，還有比我更多財(cái)寶，而且不論我要什么，他就能得到雙倍嗎?”
The genie said it was indeed true.
妖怪說確實(shí)如此。
Okay，genie，I’ m ready for my Last wish,” the woman said. "Scare me half to death.”
“好了，妖怪，我已經(jīng)想好了我的最后一個(gè)愿望了。”這位婦女說二“把我嚇個(gè)半死吧。”
史上最搞笑的英語笑話鑒賞
誰最臭(中英)
A grocer, a banker and a politician got lost in the forest. Eventually they came to a farmer's house and asked if he could put them up overnight.
一個(gè)雜貨商、一個(gè)銀行家和一個(gè)政客在森林里迷了路。最后，他們來到一家農(nóng)舍，詢問是否能在此住宿。
“Sure,”the farmer said, “but I've got room for only two of you in the house. The other will have to sleep in the barn with the animals, and the smell is very bad out there.”
“沒問題，”農(nóng)戶說，“可是我的房子里只能安排得下兩個(gè)人，另外一個(gè)得到牲口棚跟牲口睡在一起，那里的氣味很難聞。”
"I'll sleep in the barn,” the banker volunteered.
“我去牲口棚睡。”銀行家自告奮勇。
Half an hour later a knock was heard on the farmer's houses door, and there stood the banker, gasping," I can't take the smell.”
半個(gè)小時(shí)以后，他們聽到有人敲門，銀行家站在門口，喘著粗氣:“那種氣味我真的受不了。”
"All right,” said the grocer. "I' 11 sleep in the barn. "And off he went.
“好吧，”雜貨商說:“我去牲口棚睡，”轉(zhuǎn)身他就走了。
In a while there was another knock on the door. "I've put up with some rank odors from spoiled food,” the grocer complained," but that barn tops them all.”
不久，又響起了敲門的聲音。“就連變質(zhì)的食物惡臭我都能忍受，”他說，“但是，牲口棚的氣味r以十么都難聞。”
"You two sissies,” said the politician" I'11 sleep in the barn.”
“你們兩個(gè)真的沒用,”政客說,“我去那兒睡。”
Thirty minutes later came another knock. When they opened the door There stood all the animals from the barn.
半個(gè)小時(shí)以后，又響起了敲門聲。他們打開門，看到牲口棚的所有牲口都站在門口。
史上最搞笑的英語笑話賞析
自己來(中英)
An old friend from abroad, whom I was expecting to stay with me, telephoned from the airport to tell me that he had arrived. I was still at the office at the time, but I had made arrangements for his arrival. After explaining where my new flat was, I told him that I had left the key under the room一mat. As I was likely to be home rather late, I advised him to go into the kitchen and help himself to food and drink.
一位國外來的老朋友從飛機(jī)場打電話，告訴我他已經(jīng)到達(dá)，我一直期盼著與他相聚。那時(shí)，我仍在辦公室里，不過對于他的到來我已做好了安排。說清我的新公寓的位置后，我告訴他把鑰匙放在擦腳的墊子下面。由于我可能很晚才能回家，我建議他到廚房自己弄點(diǎn)吃喝的東西。
Two hours later my friend telephoned me from the flat. At the moment, he was listening to some of my records after having just had a truly wonderful meal. He had found a pan on the gas stove and fried two eggs and had helped himself to some cold chicken from the refrigerator. Now, he said, he was drinking a glass of orange juice and he hoped I would join him. When I asked him if he had reached the flat without difficulty, he answered that be had not been able to find the key under the room-mat , but fortunately the living-room window just by the apple tree had been left open and he had climbed in. I listened to all this in astonishment. There is no apple tree in front of my living-room, but there is one in front of my neighbor’s!
兩個(gè)小時(shí)后朋友從公寓打電話給我。他說，美餐了一頓以后，他現(xiàn)在正在聽我的一些磁帶。在煤氣爐上，他找到了一個(gè)平底煎鍋，煎了兩個(gè)雞蛋，并吃了冰箱里的凍雞肉。他說他現(xiàn)在正在喝著一杯橘子汁并希望我能跟他一起享受。當(dāng)我問他是否很順利地進(jìn)人我的公寓時(shí)，他回答說，他并沒有在擦鞋的墊子下面找到鑰匙，但幸運(yùn)的是，蘋果樹旁邊的那扇起居室的窗戶正好開著，他就爬了進(jìn)去。一番話聽得我目瞪口呆。我的起居室前根本就沒有蘋果樹，而鄰居家前面到是有一顆!
笑話是民間口頭創(chuàng)作的`一種體裁，它植根于20世紀(jì)初的俄羅斯語言文化中。下面是陽光網(wǎng)小編帶來的短篇英語笑話帶翻譯，歡迎閱讀!
短篇英語笑話帶翻譯精選
Job Technique
Vacationing on the island of Oahu, we were waiting in our tour bus for some stragglers to show up. A man, obviously not with our group, approached the bus and was about to board. How would our driver handle the situation, we wondered. Straight-faced, he leaned toward the door and asked, "Going to the nudist Colony, sir?"
"Oh, no," replied the would-be passenger, retreating quickly.
"Works every time," the driver said with a wink.
Notes:
(1) Oahu n.瓦胡(島)
(2) straggler n.落伍者;掉隊(duì)者
(3) show up顯現(xiàn)
(4) approach v.走近;接近
(5) be about to(do)(表計(jì)劃)即將做
(6) board v.上(船、火車、飛機(jī)、公共汽車等)
(7) straight-faced adj.板起面孔的
(8) nudist Colony天體營(裸體主義者實(shí)行其信條的場所)
(9) retreating quickly迅速后退。這是一個(gè)分詞短語作狀語，表示伴隨狀況。
Exercises:
根據(jù)短文填空：
�、� We were waiting in our tour bus for some _____ to show up.
�、� A man, obviously y not with our group, _____ the bus and was to board.
③ How would our driver _____the situation, we wondered.
�、� He leaned _____the door.
�、� "Oh, no, " replied the_____ passenger, _____quickly.
22.工作技巧
在瓦湖島上度假時(shí)，我們坐在旅游車?yán)锏群虻絷?duì)的人。一位男子，明顯不是和我們一起的，朝旅游車走來并要上車。司機(jī)會(huì)怎么處理這種情況呢?我們都拭目以待。司機(jī)拉長了臉，向車門靠過去，問道：“先生，是去天體營嗎?”
“哦，不，”剛想乘車的男子回答說，迅速轉(zhuǎn)身而逃。
“每次都管用，”司機(jī)眨巴了一下眼睛說。
練習(xí)參考答案：
�、� stragglers ② approached;about ③ handle ④ toward ⑤would-be; retreating
短篇英語笑話帶翻譯閱讀
A Bad Doctor
A man walked into a doctor's examining room.
"Put out your tongue," the doctor said.
The man put out his tongue and the doctor said.
"0. K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "it's clear what's wrong with you . You need more exercise."
"But, doctor, " the man said. "I don't think--"
" Don't tell I me what you think, " the doctor said 揑 am the doctor, not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day. "
"Doctor, you don't understand," the patient said "I -"
"I don't want to hear any excuses, " the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't, you will get fat and have health problems when you are older. "
"But I walk every clay," the patient said.
"Oh, yes, and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house, a few more feet from the station to your office , and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "
Please listen to me, doctor! " the patient shouted, getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.
"I'm a mailman," the patient went on, "and I walk for seven hours every day. "
For a moment the doctor was silent, then he said quietly, "Put your tongue out again, will you?"
Notes:
(1) examining room檢查室
(2) mailman n.郵遞員
Exercises:
根據(jù)短文選擇正確答案：
① The first thing the doctor asked the man to do was to_____ .
A. walk to work
B. exercise
C. show him his tongue
D. see hundreds of other patients
�、� The doctor would not_____ .
A. tell the patient what was wrong with him
B. let the patient speak
C. took at the man's tongue
D. let the patient watch television
�、� The doctor told the man that he____ .
A. should get more exercise
B. should stop making excuses
C. should watch more television
D. was already too fat
�、� The doctor_____ .
A. gave him good advice
B. walked seven hours a day
C. was really a mailman
D. was wrong
�、� So we can know _____.
A. the man was very lazy
B. the man should do more exercise
C. the doctor was very kind to the patient
D. the man was not a good and careful doctor
23.庸醫(yī)
一人走進(jìn)一家診所。
“伸出舌頭，”醫(yī)生說。
那人伸出舌頭，醫(yī)生很快地看了一下。
“好了，把舌頭縮回去吧。”醫(yī)生說，“你的病因很明顯。你需要更多的運(yùn)動(dòng)。”
“但是，醫(yī)生，”那人說，“我不認(rèn)為----”
“不要告訴我你認(rèn)為怎么樣，”醫(yī)生說，“我是醫(yī)生，不是你。我知道你需要什么。我看過數(shù)以百計(jì)的你這樣的病人。他們沒有一個(gè)人鍛煉過。他們整天坐在辦公室里，晚上就坐在電視機(jī)前。你所需要的是每天至少快跑20分鐘。”
“醫(yī)生，你不知道，”病人說，“我----”
“我不想聽任何理由。”醫(yī)生說，“你應(yīng)該抽出時(shí)間來運(yùn)動(dòng)。如果你不鍛煉，那么當(dāng)你老的時(shí)候，你就會(huì)變得很胖，并且有健康問題。”
“但我每天都走路的，”病人說。
“喔，是的。我知道那是一種怎樣的散步。你走幾英尺的路，從家到火車站，又走幾英尺從車站到辦公室，然后走幾英尺從辦公室到餐館去吃中飯?jiān)倩貋�。那不是真正的散步。我所說的是每天在公園里散步20分鐘。”
“請聽我說，醫(yī)生!”病人叫起來，對那位自以為什么都知道的醫(yī)生很生氣。
“我是一名郵遞員，”病人接著說，“我每天得走7小時(shí)的路。”
醫(yī)生悶在那里半天無語。然后他輕聲地說：“再把你的舌頭伸出來，行嗎?”
練習(xí)參考答案：
�、貱②B③A④D⑤D
短篇英語笑話帶翻譯學(xué)習(xí)
Saving Grace
Vacationing in Hawaii, my husband and I went out to dinner one night at one of its finest restaurants - When presented with the check, my husband reached into his pocket for his wallet, but somehow lost his balance and fell over. As the people at the next table looked on in astonishment 'he said, "The food was delicious-but wait till you get your bill!"
Notes:
(1) Hawaii n.夏威夷(島)
(2) fall over落下;跌下
(3) astonishment n.驚詫
Exercises:
根據(jù)短文回答下列問題：
�、� Where were the husband and wife vacationing?
② Where did they go one night?
�、� Did the husband fall over before or after the meal?
�、� How was the food there?
⑤ The husband was mocking himself to save grace, wasn't he?
24.保全面子
在夏威夷度假時(shí)，一天晚上，丈夫和我去一家最好的飯店吃飯。當(dāng)侍者拿來賬單結(jié)賬時(shí)，我丈夫把手伸進(jìn)口袋掏錢包。但不知怎的，他失去了平衡，仰面摔倒了。在鄰桌的人還在驚訝地望著他的時(shí)候，他說：“飯菜味道是很美----但也要等結(jié)了賬再走呀。”
練習(xí)參考答案：
① In Hawaii ② One of the finest restaurants ③ After the meal
�、� Delicious ⑤ Yes
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